Peter Nguyens Terribly Awesome Essays Online

J. Duncan Wiley, "A Notice from the Office of Reclamation"

The Division of Reclamation, Mining and Safety would like to remind you that abandoned mines are dangerous. Last year, twenty-two people across the country died while exploring such sites. Victims suffocated in oxygen depleted atmospheres, fell from broken ladders, and drowned in near freezing pools of water. They were crushed by cave-ins, poisoned by carbon dioxide, and fell through holes that opened beneath their weight. They encountered rattlesnakes and mountain lions; they triggered stores of unstable explosives; and they fell—oh, how they fell—three hundred twenty, one hundred sixty, nine hundred feet to their deaths.

We understand the urge. We are human. We too have come across those dark, sighing cavities in the earth’s crust, a few gray timbers or rusting rails lying scattered around their mouths. You see such a place, and you know that people have gone that way before. You know the passage was safe once. Then you start wondering: What’s it like inside, just beyond the reach of sunlight? Did those others leave anything behind? What if there’s a seam of gold or silver, just waiting for you to discover it? We know this urge, know how strong and primal and erotically charged it is. But before you rush off to penetrate the mysteries crowding your imagination, we say this to you: Resist.

The earth does not give her secrets up lightly. Rocks grind their granite teeth over geologic eons, holding their grudges close. You cannot win against them. Your little flame of curiosity, infinitesimal by comparison, will gutter before it illuminates even the shallowest depths of that darkness. You will fall. Or you will not fall. Any number of calamities could claim you....

Read the rest of the story here.

Awesomely Bad (and Funny) Student Responses to Test Questions

posted by Mark on July 2nd, 2009

Let this be a lesson on how NOT to pass a class…

The loophole:

Mr. Literal:


The poet:

It was all going so well: the Will Smith edition:


The art of padding:

Nobody wins with terrorism:

Things you didn’t know about George Clooney:

History lesson:

Drama king:

No respect for the dead:

Mr. Literal, part 2:

Anti-semitism will get you nowhere:

Three steps:

A surprisingly enlightened analysis of “2 Girls 1 Cup”:

Classic:

How to score a zero on a true-false quiz:

Jesus: Civil War hero

The future:

Thinking outside the box:

If all else fails, draw a cute animal:

At least he got a 100:

Oedipus, by Dr. Dre:

Internet Slang 101:

Homework is like pregnancy:

Mark Twain was evil (and he wrote Lord of the Flies):

In her defense, he IS kinda ugly:

The king of awesomely bad essays, Peter Nguyen:

Tags: humor, tests

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 2nd, 2009 at 9:58 am and is filed under Culture, How To. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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